Living in the Present with Grace and Dementia
My mom suffers from dementia. She’s all mixed up and she knows it. Since my father passed away over four years ago, I’ve watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into a shadowy fog of memory loss. The most difficult part is watching her observe the changes in herself. “I just don’t know what’s happening to me. I used to be so on top of things,” she will often lament.
Growing up, my mother took great pride in her family’s appearance, including her own. Now I need to remind her on a daily basis to bathe or change her clothes. Although deep down you may want the younger version of your mom or dad back, try to accept your loved one and their current limitations. Concentrate on the now.
Every day, I draw gratitude from the simple things. My mom is welcoming and warm. She smiles. She is happy to spend time with her grandchildren. She still recognizes my voice on the phone. I no longer probe for answers, as it simply flusters her when she cannot recall the details. Instead, I am content that she trusts me to handle her personal matters. Mourning the loss of what she used to do – cooking a meal, knitting a sweater, volunteering, calling me on my birthday – only takes away from the small blessings that we still enjoy together.
My mom tires early in the day now and talks incessantly about when we’ll next eat. She repeats herself over and over again, almost to comfort herself with the one or two tales she has not forgotten. She is fixated on making cups of tea and washing her sheets. In this flurry of manic activity, I look at her and see the woman who cleaned and cooked for five growing children; the mom who drove me from mall to mall in the hunt for the perfect prom dress. After 74 years, I might be confused and absent of information too. I try to imagine how she feels at this stage of her life, during the moments when I begin to grow impatient.
Ann Mehl, Certified Life and Career Coach, http://www.annmehl.com
Thank you Ann Mehl, for your eloquent contribution to the blog this week.
Look for the second part of Ann’s story and her advice for coping with a parent with Alzheimer’s coming soon.
Thank you Ann Mehl for this very thoughtful advice on coping with parents who are suffering from dementia.
Ann–
Your story is compelling and compassionate. I know that this will help others that may be facing the issue of aging parents, especially those with parents struggling with dementia. I look forward to your future postings.
Ann – Your Mother is blessed to have such a warm and caring daughter. She obviously has loved you well and now you are doing the same for her. How wise you are to focus on those things she is still able to offer and to let go of the things that must frustrate and hurt you both. You are an inspiration to all of us!
Thank you for sharing your honest and heartfelt words with us. Your love and patience is a testament to your mother. You remind us to enjoy the simple things and your cherished memories bring a smile to my face!
Ann – thank you so much for sharing your piece. I cried as I read thinking of my grandmother who is currently dealing with this illness and my mother who is her primary caretaker, dealing with the same issues you have expressed. I think your steps and thoughts for dealing with such a cruel illness are invaluable. Thank you again.
Ann – it is inspirational how you share this heartfelt journey of mother and daughter. Your love, resilience, strength and humor are truly a gift that you share generously with all of us who could be faced with such circumstances as our parents age. As a daughter who has also lost my father, I take careful notes about your selflessness in taking such careful care of your mom. I love reading your story and thank you for taking the time to share it with all of us. I can’t wait to keep reading more! Keep it coming…
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