Archive for the ‘conversation’ Category
Friday, July 30th, 2010
A good friend of mine, like a lot of other Boomers, has a lot on her plate. She’s caregiving for her husband and her mother, working, and a long-distance grandma to four grand-kids. Her mom is living alone, not far from my friend, increasingly fragile and needy. She thought she had things worked out; her mother would go to live with her sister in California. That is until it came time for her mother to go to California. Stubborn, and set in her ways, not to mention the home she’s lived in for years, she put her foot down and refused to budge.
It made me wonder, how you start to broach this conversation, and what the signs are that your loved ones shouldn’t be on their own any more. The fact that you can’t cope is certainly a strong signal, but there should be earlier warning signs, and there are.
According to my friends at SeniorHomes.com, there are five signs a loved one might need assisted care:
- Does your family member’s skin feel soft and have a normal color?
- Can your family member see clearly?
- Can your family member hear you?
- Is there food in the refrigerator?
- Are medications current and being taken regularly?
I know what you’re thinking…I can answer these questions but this is not giving me the tools I need to have this conversation. So here goes…AARP has a really good post on starting a conversation. Click here for the link. Jacqui at SeniorHomes.com also gave me these two links for assessing your loved ones needs, and their site has the full answers to the five questions.
“Talking To Your Loved Ones About Their Care” from the American Health Care Association
http://www.longtermcareliving.com/prep/conversation/
“Assessing The Need” from Comfort Keepers. This is a really good assessment guide.
http://www.comfortkeepers.com/sites/default/files/document/assessmentguide.pdf
Thanks to Jacqui and Chris at SeniorHomes.com for their help with this! And be sure to check out this week’s Blogging Boomers Carnival. There’s a great post from our hostess. Check it out and comment if you don’t think Boomers are “a bunch of big fat heavy drug users who never exercise and are bad with money”. Doesn’t sound like anyone I know, what about you?
Tags: assessment, assisted-living, home, loved ones, medicatons, questions, starting a conversation, tools, warning signs
Posted in aging, boomers, caregiving, conversation | 3 Comments »
Friday, April 16th, 2010
Do you know what the 40/70 rule is? If you have aging parents, you should. Here’s what you need to know to protect your family.The rule says when you are 40 or one of your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking about how they see their future, and what their options might be. This is the time to discuss health, living options, finances, driving ability, or at the very least, open the door to future talks. While we’ll talk about almost anything else. too often we all end up putting these important conversations off until a crisis ensues. You know nothing good ever happens when you’re planning with your back up against the wall.
If you’ve had these conversations, how did you get started? What worked or didn’t?
With my parents, I first started out trying to get them to put together their will, health care proxies, power of attorney etc. What ended up working was that I had taken care of my own directives, and could leverage that (a bit). It took a long time and a lot of cajoling, but they did take action. More recently, I wanted them to start to think about what they would do if it became difficult for them to maneuver in their homes. So I just asked them to think about what they would want to do, if they couldn’t climb stairs.
The irony of this, is that late last week, my husband wrenched his knee playing tennis. Dealing with the stairs in our country house, not to mention the manual transmission on the sports car, is agony. You never know what’s going to happen, so the very best thing is to start the conversations early and often. Otherwise you may need the services of someone like Jane Beddall, of Dovetail Resolutions, a family mediator. When we sat down on Wednesday, she was the one who reminded me of the 40/70 rule, and how often she’s called in because families refuse to talk about their wishes.
Don’t forget to check out springtime in the Rockies, this week’s Blogging Boomers Carnival. Lots of good posts this week!
Tags: 40/70 rule, crisis, driving ability, family mediator, health care proxies, important conversations, planning, power of attorney
Posted in aging, boomers, conversation, crisis, directives, driving, family, health, parents | 1 Comment »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
On Friday I was listening to the Oprah show, when she started talking about making her car, and every car in America, a no phone zone. That means (depending on your level of participation), no texting, only hands-free use, or just plain not using your phone while driving. Then she had her hands free to autograph a Chrysler…
My parents with their new car
I’m certainly down with no texting, and hands free in a car, but there are definitely times when having a cell phone in the car could be important, as my parents recent adventure will prove. But the texting and driving thing, I don’t understand at all! How can you possibly think you can type and drive a car? If you think you can, besides the fact that you’re wrong, and there are too many deadly accidents to prove it, what is SO urgent, that you would put so many lives in danger? And if it is that urgent, should you even be behind the wheel of a car?
Years ago when I bought a sports-car (yes, middle aged women do it too), I took a two day driving course at Skip Barber, the scariest part of it wasn’t doing 360′s on the skid pad, but in the classroom when the instructor told us that people’s driving skills peak at 5000 miles, and go downhill from there. When did you hit 5000 miles?
But I’m digressing. This was originally going to be a blog about a problem my parents had with their car on their way to see us. It ended up with them waiting 45 minutes in the cold, by the side of the Massachusetts Turnpike for someone to help them. We’ve asked them for a long time to get a cellphone, in case of emergencies, and they resisted. Not sure if this is going to change their minds, but if it does, I’m happy to buy them a phone (hint, hint). If any of this sounds familiar, how did you handle it? Or did it take an emergency to force the issue? Why does it ALWAYS take an emergency to force an issue?
And if you’d like to sign Oprah’s no phone pledge, click here.
This week’s Blogging Boomers Carnival is being hosted by Fabulous After 40. Be sure to check it out here.
Tags: driving, family, mom, Oprah, parents, talk
Posted in conversation, driving, family, parents | 6 Comments »
Monday, January 18th, 2010
Everyone always gives lip service to how much they love their family, but if you don’t have a will, it’s just empty talk.
In the survey we ran last fall, 45% of the people responding did not have a will. This is about on par with the national average. So what’s preventing you from doing this? If your idea of a legacy is leaving your family and friends fighting it out in probate court for years, then just go read another blog. If it’s one of those items forever haunting your to-do list, why don’t you decide to push it to the top of the list? Call your lawyer, make an appointment. If that’s to much for you, at least go to something like legalzoom, or Suze Orman’s site, where they have simple questionnaires to fill out and create a will. Here’s a pretty straightforward explanation from AARP: “Identify who will inherit your estate. Use your will to say who gets what. You can leave everything to your spouse, a painting to your granddaughter, divide everything equally between your two kids, or leave various percentages to friends and charities.”
So get to it! And for those of you who already have a will, when was the last time you updated it? Just a thought.
Don’t forget to check out this week’s Blogging Boomer’s Carnival, and please if you haven’t already, donate to the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders to help Haiti.
Tags: family, friends, lawyer, legacy, will
Posted in aging, conversation, family, legacy, will | 1 Comment »
Monday, December 28th, 2009
In the spirit of year end reviews, best of lists, and taking a break before conquering 2010, here are the top three most commented blogs from 2009. Which was your favorite?
From June 1st: What would you do for a raspberry blueberry pie? Secret family recipes.
Does your family have secret family recipes? Mine does. My mother’s secret recipe is for a raspberry blueberry pie. It’s powers are so strong that years ago an old friend of mine agreed to drive my parents’ cat from their house in Maine, back to Boston, in return for a pie of his own. Click here to read the rest of the blog.
From Ann Mehl on March 30th: Living and dealing with Alzheimer’s: Ann’s story and life lessons learned 
My mom suffers from dementia. She’s all mixed up and she knows it. Since my father passed away over four years ago, I’ve watched my mother slip deeper and deeper into a shadowy fog of memory loss. The most difficult part is watching her observe the changes in herself. “I just don’t know what’s happening to me. I used to be so on top of things,” she will often lament. Click here for more.
And the most commented on, from June 8th: What’s the number one thing you’d miss from your handbag? Or can I survive a week without Blackberry, Amex?
This was going to be a totally different topic today, but I thought I’d stray to what’s really on my mind. Because I can, you know.
Last night I filled up the car to come back to the city with giant containers of stuff from Costco, a big bunch of peonies from my garden (probably the last for the season), and the usual stuff that commutes from the city to the country. What was left behind, was my purse, and all its contents. Click here for more, and all the comments.
Have a happy & healthy new year! What are the topics you’d like to see covered in 2010?
Tags: Alzheimers, family, mom, parents, stories
Posted in Alzheimers, boomers, conversation, family, memories, parents | No Comments »
Monday, December 21st, 2009
Lost at holiday bingo again...
When my friends and I used to go to Rancho La Puerta, the highlight of the week for everyone was bingo night, probably because there was unlimited popcorn for the participants. I still have the set of 5 papier mache napkin rings I won one night (and have always wondered if 5 is a significant number in Mexico). You may have also heard about meeting bingo where you track all the tired business cliches…”at the end of the day, teambuilding, thinking outside the box, metrics, etc”. And thanks to About.com, course someone’s already figured out how to use this to teach you how to be a better manager…
The Cleveland Plains Dealer has a way to bring entertainment to Christmas dinner, or any family gathering. You mark down on a card every time you hear someone saying something really dumb, annoying, or just typical. On their site you can download game boards, but why not create your own? And the prize can be whatever you were going to re-gift. For my family I’m created my own Holiday Bingo, knowing that some of the following will get you closer to “Bingo!”. If you’d like a copy of the cards, please comment on the blog & I’ll send them to you.
I’ve been overserved
This is delicious
Flatter the cook, ask for seconds
Who needs more champers?
It’s two buck Chuck
How long does the roast cook?
Very thin white bread
Save the wrappings
What about your family? What are the top holiday clichés from around your table?
Happy Holidays to all, and please check out the last Blogging Boomers Carnival of 2009.
Tags: bingo, business, dinner, family, holiday
Posted in conversation, family | 1 Comment »
Monday, December 7th, 2009
A recent query on HARO was asking for sources who were considering donating their bodies to science. My husband 
and I have always been organ donors, and we both want to give all or most of our body parts to science. Reuse, recycle, nothing new, right? But have you ever thought about how you go about actually arranging it? Like many other things, it’s not quite as easy as just having the idea.
While organ donation, at least in New York, is just a matter of signing the back of your drivers license, whole body donations are not quite so simple. First of all, you need to decide whether you want to be an organ donor or, donate your full body. I always thought you could harvest the organs, and then donate the body, but that’s not the case. First of all, organs need to be harvested while you’re still technically alive (but brain dead). Whole body donations are done once you’re dead, but need to be done before the body is embalmed. And there is also living donation, such as donating a kidney, or bone marrow while you’re still alive. The Mayo Clinic will decide which is the best use of your body, however most other sites will only take the body if the organs are intact.
According to Organdonor.gov: “You can inform your family that organ donation is your first choice, but if it is found that you are not medically suitable for organ donation, your family can carry out your wishes for whole body donation.” No matter what you decide to do, you must make your wishes known while you’re still alive. The Mayo Clinic and other sites have donor forms for both organ and whole body donations, but you also need to discuss your wishes with loved ones.
Remember that each organ and tissue donor saves or improves the lives of as many as 50 people. Isn’t that the best legacy you could leave?
And don’t forget to check out this week’s Blogging Boomer’s Carnival!
Tags: body, death, donation, family, legacy, organ, science
Posted in conversation, family, legacy | 4 Comments »
Saturday, November 7th, 2009
While posting on blogher, I came across a fascinating piece about a new service to care for your pets (and in four states: horses, camels, llamas and donkeys) after “the Rapture”. The service, Eternal Earthbound Pets has a team of “confirmed atheists” who “will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward.” It’s a pretty out-there concept, but it got me thinking, what happens to pets when their owners die? And how does anyone know that dogs won’t be first in line at the Pearly Gates?
This is Midori, a year old spayed female up for adoption
If your parents or loved ones have pets, it’s another chance to talk about what their wishes are. The guidelines according to the Humane Society are very similar to estate planning for humans. They encourage you to set up a trust for the care of your pets, appoint caregivers, and make sure family and neighbors know how many pets you have, who the emergency caregivers are, and their contact information. Here’s a link to a great factsheet they’ve put out.
Don’t you think it would be easier to start “the Conversation” over the future care of a beloved animal?
And if you don’t have a pet? Think about adoption. Midori here is up for adoption at the Humane Society of Knox County, Maine. According to Thive NYC, having and walking a dog will boost your exercise level five-fold. “Dog walking is a lot more rewarding than standing on a treadmill. If treadmills were the answer there wouldn’t be so many of them holding up clothes”. So, which would get you to get up and walk? A large and expensive coat hanger, or man’s best friend?
BIG NEWS: I was just accepted into the Blogging Boomers Carnival, so please be sure to check out BloggingBoomers Carnival #138 being hosted this week at the Boomer Chronicles.
Tags: dogs, estate, heaven, parents, pets, planning, wishes
Posted in conversation, exercise, family, parents, people, walking | 2 Comments »
Monday, October 19th, 2009
Every week, my husband and I take a 90 minute drive to our country house. It’s turned out to be a really good way to catch up on what’s happened during the week, toss ideas around, and have serious conversations. Since I’ve been working on the website, I’ve become very involved in getting people to plan for their parents’ futures, by planning for their own. One of the serious conversations we had recently was about end of life wishes, and it’s good to know that we’re both clear on what the other wants. 
The importance of this came home this past week, here’s the story:
If you’re in love enough to say “I do” why can’t you say “I don’t”?
We talk to our spouses and loved ones about so much, but often neglect the most important conversation. The one about what your end of life wishes are. Life support? DNR? Organ donation? A friend of mine lost her husband to pancreatic cancer Sunday. What makes this even sadder is while he had a will, and had provided for his wife of twenty years, they had never had “the Conversation”.
About 2:00 in the morning, she heard him gasping for breathe and called 911. Paramedics put him on life support and when they found out he had neither a health care proxy or living will, insisted she call a friend to meet her at the hospital. Tests were run to determine if he was brain dead, and in a state of shock, she alone had to make critical decisions. He was pronounced brain dead, she made the decision to pull the plug, and he passed about an hour later.
Please, if you love someone, talk to them. Here’s a link to Five Wishes, a health care proxy to get you started. It’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier than having to make life or death decisions, all alone in a cold emergency room at 3:00 in the morning.
Tags: driving, family, health, Information, parents, talk
Posted in aging, boomers, conversation, crisis, driving, family, parents, people, will | No Comments »
Monday, October 12th, 2009
Do you want this to be your legacy?
While it’s safe to say that no members of the Astor family will be taking away the Nobel Peace Prize (and congrats to President Obama) that’s not to say that we all haven’t been following the drama as it unfolds. Most of us are not in that financial stratosphere (and if you are, how about investing in this site?) but there are important lessons to be learned even if your estate consists of a minuscule savings account.
First, have a will. Surprisingly, in the survey we ran last month, of over 160 respondents, over a third of them didn’t have a will. The oldest group (70+), two out of three people did have a will, the third person hadn’t even started thinking of it. What are you waiting for? A free-for-all with your relatives and friends? A six month trial with endless appeals? In the age group 56-70 the majority had wills, but the numbers dropped significantly in the group 41-55 with only 54.7% having a will. This is a group that has children, but almost 25% of them didn’t have a will.
Even if you draft a basic document from one of the legal websites, like Legalzoom or go to Amazon.com for the Suze Orman’s Will & Trust Kit, it’s better than nothing at all, and no matter how much you may deny it, the thought of ________ getting their hands on your __________ should send you running to the lawyer.
Second, communicate with the people you care about. And communicate early. The more people who know what your wishes are, the less chance that your favorite Childe Hassam painting won’t disappear from over the sofa. Some people use the 40/70 rule for starting the conversation (meaning that when someone is either 40 or 70 start talking) but if you have children of any age, your estate should be in order to protect your children. And why would you want to make your passing any more painful for them by dying intestate (without a will)? On the CBS Moneywatch site there’s a great list of 12 tough questions to ask your parents, and don’t feel you have to limit it to your parents. You might want to go through the list yourself and make sure you have all these bases covered. That’s what I did before I approached my parents.
I’ve learned from having these conversations with my parents that it’s REALLY tough to break the ice, but once it’s broken, you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to work on this, one step at a time. And isn’t a good night’s sleep, knowing everything is taken care of, better than the nightmare of endless legal wrangling? Let me know how you’ve done. The next time we do a survey, I want 99% to have a will, ok?
Tags: conversations, estate, family, legacy, power of attorney, will
Posted in aging, conversation, family, legacy, legal, memories, parents, will | 2 Comments »
